My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
