Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
