I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
