I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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