You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
