Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I supernannyed him into submission
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
