I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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