i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
