new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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