I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
