I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
