Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
