I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize