This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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