Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
