Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
