the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
