Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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