12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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