She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
