I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize