So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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