I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
