My friends, they love my intelligence
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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