I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
