What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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