I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
