This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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