And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so let's talk penis.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
