So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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