I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
