Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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