i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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