I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
