Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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