Your mouth is God's brothel.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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