I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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