can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
