I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
