Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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