We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
