Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
