I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
They took my balls.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
