I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize