Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
