and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
