2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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