I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
