Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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