Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
