Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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