I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
