Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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