Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
