I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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