I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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