Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
