I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
