so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
