Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
