I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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