he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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