Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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