Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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