Fine. I'll sleep in my office
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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