I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
