I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
