1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
