just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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